On top of the world but in destruction. That was me. A boat load of friends. Thriving in school. Attending every party, get together and concert. Living the life. But yet still had a emptiness on the inside. Plastering a smile on my face but was broken on the inside. Surrounded by people but still felt void. Had what the world thought was everything , great family, more clothes & shoes than I could count but still in turmoil. Loosing a battle to my biggest enemy - the enemy inside of me. Overthinking , doubting and always questioning gods plan left me with tomorrow’s worries before today was even up. On the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Back against the wall. No more tears left to cry. All those temporary pleasures I had put over god no longer brought fulfillment. Those friendships soon ended. Those relationships were gone. Those parties just wasn’t fun because I had no inner peace. I wasn’t happy with myself so I couldn’t be happy in anything around me. Consumed with hatred. Hardened by life. Thinking god had to turn me over to myself because it was too much of a load to bare. I had lost faith in myself. Lost faith in greater. And my ministry was on the back burner. Yet still smiling. Thinking I could fake it till I make it. That I could survive in this cold world without gods covering. That I could do it on my own. But I quickly saw it was impossible. I needed a release. That inner turmoil soon reflected on the outside. I became consumed in my isolation. Comfortable in my failures. My shortcomings. My depression. My broken places. No longer having hope that I would see a brighter tomorrow. God humbled me and showed me - I could have everything in the world but if I didn’t have him - I had nothing. Materialistic things couldn’t bring me peace. Friends couldn’t bring my peace. Relationships couldn’t bring me peace. Only the word of god could. He showed me without him nothing will work. Trying to execute my plan without referring to gods plan would never work. And everyday I was reminded of where my own mind got me - nowhere. I had rejected him and yet he still loved me. Every time he said trust him - I doubted. He said give it to me & let me handle it and I said no , I can do it on my own. Yet his forgiving hand kept reaching towards me. I’m so grateful that after all the running I did from his will , Christ found it no robbery to leave a space at the cross just for me. That he didn’t judge me but still held me close. Still found it in his heart to love me & see the best in me after all the times I had only shown him the worst. When I constantly let him down, he still covered me. Still protected me. Still called me his. Which is why I’m forever grateful that he didn’t allow me to mess up the plans he had for me. That as I constantly gave him every reason to count me out , every reason to turn me over to myself - he always seen the best in me. That as I allowed struggles & situations dampen my belief - he still proved time & time again he was there for me. When I felt as if life was too hard so he couldn’t have been there , he constantly sent me a sign to let me know he is standing right there. Strengthening me. Guiding me. Protecting. Putting me in a place to prepare me. To equip me with the tools for battle. Putting me at changing chambers under the leadership of a custom made man of god just for me. To speak to me , teach me and feed my seed of faith. Where I no longer ran from the truth, no longer needed anymore convincing but I had all the proof I needed to make a change. That it was time for me to show up for god after all the times he showed up for me. That it was time to no longer be myself but be the word of god. Turning from my weak and wicked ways and being the child of god he called me to be. It’s when I stopped feeding my flesh & allowed the word to go deep down in my spirit that there was a change. God came to my rescue and I’m forever in depth. Everything I was looking for - I found in him. Peace. Love. Happiness. Fulfillment. Purpose. It was all there and all I had to do was trust him. To give it to him. To have faith. To endure. To stand on what I know that he is the great god that turned every one of my test into a testimony. Where I’m a witness to his healing power. How he healed all the broken places , he filled every void , and gave me more than I could ever imagine. Where I can wake up everyday with a new opportunity to be exactly who god predestined me to be. Where my past of sin , self will and destruction doesn’t define me no longer. But I can kiss my history goodbye and walk into a new life. Now a sinner saved by grace. Me , the unqualified , unworthy , undeserving sinner is now found fit to be used in his kingdom. Now a walking deacon , apart of the new army showing the world that there is still some disciples on earth. There are still a few of us who aren’t forgetting all that he did for us. Still remembering to say thank you. A few of us who are committed to doing thus saith the lord. I’m forever grateful to be included in that number of the righteous. Now knowing every setback was a stepping stone to greater. Every breakdown lead to my breakthrough. Everything I went through, my darkest days included - allowed me to appreciate the light that much more. So as I walk on - I will remember Romans 8:18 “ For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” So I’m chasing after him knowing greater is on the way. May god add a blessing to the reading of these words. Amen